Monday, July 09, 2018

Floors and Ceilings

I'm in the downstairs bedroom, a room tucked behind the floor level garage and below the kitchen and master bedroom of the second floor, which is the main living area of the house. The furniture that furnishes every room but this one is either in the garage or under tarps behind the house. As I type, sitting on a bed that used to be Scott's when he was single, the ceiling above me shakes and pounds. Reggie-the-cat and Indiana-the-dog are also exiled to this room with us for the next two weeks, under the shuttering ceiling.

We're getting our floors done: refinishing the wood floors and replacing the ugly, contractor-grade kitchen tile with wood to match the rest of the flooring. We are living downstairs while this is happening.

The job has been on the books with the flooring company for months, but in the last couple weeks Scott and I plotted and planned how to make this work well. We hired day laborers through San Francisco's Day Laborers' Collective and mapped out where we'd put things. We thought about what kind of meals we'd be able to eat with limited access to our kitchen. How we'd make sure Indiana had room for his crate. How we'd set up the television so we could watch Season 5 of The Great British Baking Show. Yesterday, after the day laborers had helped us move our heavy furniture, we removed everything else from the main floor, we covered with tarps what was outside to protect it against the weather, and we set up the downstairs to be livable. We even went on a little walk. We congratulated ourselves on how much we had accomplished and how well we had worked together.

Neither of us slept well last night. We were in a bed that should be familiar, but is smaller than our regular bed and we've grown accustomed to space. Reggie yowled mightily a couple times to let us know he wasn't happy about our new arrangement. While I slept, I made room for the cat, which left little room for Scott. The only creature mellow and flexible was Indiana, who snoozed comfortably in his crate.

This morning, we woke up cranky but excited for what was to happen. Scott left for work. I started to think about how to set up a little outdoor kitchenette to make these couple weeks even easier. The first worker arrived at about 8:30am and we greeted each other cheerfully. He set to work prepping the kitchen for tile demolition. From down below, I could hear the screech of his tape dispenser, the refrigerator being rolled out of its spot, and the wonky door noises of our dishwasher.

Then, I heard yelling. He bellowed, "Hello?!? I need help!" It took me a moment to realize he was calling me, the only other person in the house, but when I did run upstairs, I found him desperately trying to control a water hose that sprayed all over the kitchen and had already made a lake of the kitchen floor.

The shut off valve for the kitchen appliances had failed, so though the worker thought he had turned the water off before he detached the dishwasher hose, he hadn't. There was no way to turn off the water under the sink, so I had to run downstairs and turn off the water mainline.

Now, we have no sinks. Or showers. Or toilets.

I think I can replace the faulty valve this evening when the workers leave; I certainly hope I can. But, I'm certain it's not the last hiccup with the floors. It's only Day One. I better not have hit the ceiling of my patience yet.

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

A Poppy Population

When I moved into my house a few years ago, even though I pulled out a lot of plants, some sick, some water hogs, there were plants I didn't pull out: poppies. The neighborhood has a scattering of bread seed poppies (Papavar somniferum) of all colors and petal shapes, hybridizing with each other as the bumble bees visit them from yard to yard. They've naturalized around here, and I'm not complaining—they're lovely, the native and honey bees love them, and I like baking with their seeds. Additionally, the local version of the California poppy (Eschscholzia californica), which is a little lower growing that the standard California poppy and sports mango-orange flowers with a lighter rim around the edges rather than the solid orange, grows all over our park and neighborhood, firmly established in my yard.

In the past couple seasons, I've added more poppies. I planted two more native poppies, Wind poppy (Stylomecon heterophylla) and Tufted poppy (Eschscholzia caespitosa), as well as a red flowered California poppy variety. And, because they look so fragile but they're actually so tough, I planted out a few Moroccan poppies (Papavar atlanticum) last year which have re-seeded wonderfully in my yard this year.

And that—the fact that they reseed themselves so well—is part of the joy of poppies. I don't know where they're going to pop up. I have no idea which color and petal variation the bread seed poppy will be until it opens. The poppies in my yard are a bit of colorful chaos, sometimes happily clashing with everything around them. They're the best.

I took each of these pictures today. While the Wind poppy already bloomed and the Moroccan poppy is just about to start, all of the poppies below are blooming right now.

Breadseed poppy about to unfurl this morning.

The same poppy a couple hours later.

A different color and petal form in another breadseed poppy.

A red variation of the California poppy.

Tufted poppy: the flowers are about the size of a quarter and there are loads of them.

California poppy among yarrow plants.

The local variety of California poppy.

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

An Urban Grange

This Sunday, in sputtering-cold rain, under wind-tossed eucalyptus, twelve people met around a concrete picnic table in a park. The table held plant starts and cuttings, seed potatoes, extra vegetables, Meyer lemons, a bottle of kombucha, homemade bread, and a jar of strawberry jam. The people gathered around the table varied in age, ethnicity, gender, and percentage of life lived in San Francisco. They differed in walks of life, professions, and points of view. But, they all had something in common: a love for gardening and a desire to learn from, share with, and support others with the same passion. They all want to grow better.

Photo courtesy my husband, Scott Garred.

Photo courtesy my husband, Scott Garred. Yes, that's me with the big ol' grin and green rain jacket.

I organized this event inspired by the group RIPE Altadena, in which I participated when I lived in southern California. So much varied produce was shared through the group that many weeks grocery shopping was unnecessary. We "shopped" in our neighborhood. And, I learned so much from RIPE: how to graft, how to grow new-to-me-plants, strategies for saving water.

I wanted to create something like that up here in my corner of the city, where the climate is so different and the community so much more diverse. Here, if people have land in which to garden, it is severely sloped or rented or borrowed or the size of a quilt square or pieced together in pots on a balcony. Or any combination of these. However, despite these challenges, the southeastern corner of San Francisco is decidedly the best corner of the city for growing. We have sunshine during the summer and sometimes days that even border on hot, rare for the city. When I proposed the plan for monthly meet ups on our neighborhood digital bulletin board, the response was positive and enthusiastic. Even those who couldn't come to the first messaged saying they put it on their calendars for May already. The need existed.

After telling a friend at work what I had started, he grinned. "Like a grange," he said. Yes, an urban grange.

Photo courtesy my husband, Scott Garred. Rainbow courtesy luck.

What fun we had. We laughed and asked questions, learning and shivering against the cold, setting down our garden community roots. As the meeting began to wrap up, the eucalyptus branches danced wildly overhead, and a rainbow to the east shimmered.

I needed this. We needed this.

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

Writing on the Deck (is Exactly the Right Thing Right Now)

I discovered today, as I was ending my work day, that someone I knew and admired in my old town of Altadena died last night. She hadn't been public about her cancer, but I also hadn't been nearby enough to know what was going on. And then, this afternoon, I heard. I told my friend and coworker, then went to my office and cried for a while.

She and I weren't close; when we first met, I wasn't sure that she even liked me because I was giggly to her deadpan, diplomatic to her "French slip." But, after time I learned—that was just her way. I could tell you a lot about her because she told a lot about herself as she was an incredible story-teller, but I'll tell you one main claim, and in my writing-teacher way, back it up with facts.

She did whatever the fuck she wanted.

She quit the regular workday early and sold enough of what she had acquired to live; she bought a house that made her spine sing; she worked as a race horse exercise rider; she learned to fly a plane; she rode her own horse deep into the mountains where her horse once (or thrice) threw her and she bled alone on the rocks; she loved more than a few men; she made animals her family; she built a garden, tore up the garden, and rebuilt the garden; she walked a lot because she wanted to, not because she needed to (or maybe her body and mind needed to—about that I don't know); she wrote what she wanted when she wanted and sometimes did it for money; she jumped on a trampoline once with me at a party, holding on to my hand, laughing with me, laughing, laughing, laughing until I peed a little from laughing and jumping so hard and we laughed and jumped some more.

She was not generous with her praise, but she gave me two compliments I'll always remember. Those are mine, not to share.

Now I'm crying some more.

But, now it's time for me to take her lessons and use them. I'm doing two things.

First, I'm sitting in the evening sun and wind on the deck of the house that made my own spine sing the first time I met it, drinking a G&T with a splash of St. Germain (because elderflower always reminds me of the canyons in which she and I both spent so much time walking), and trying to remember everything I know about her.

Second, and she'd wholeheartedly approve of this, because she loved her garden and her garden was one of the many ways she and I were connected, I am finally doing something I've wanted to do since I've moved here. I'm building my gardening community. In Altadena, both my friend and I participated enthusiastically in a monthly produce bounty-swap from our generous Southern California gardens. The community that resulted became deeply interwoven into my daily life. Through it, I taught a lot, learned even more, and built a network of neighbors who became both friends and community grocery store. I've missed that collection of people terribly since moving a few years ago.

For the past few months, I've noticed members on my neighborhood digital bulletin board asking gardening questions and wondering what to do with their excess lemons. Tonight, I did what I had been meaning to for a while. There's no time to put off that which is good. On the network, I created a monthly garden meet up in the neighborhood park, where we can share our questions and answers, our excess produce, our successes and failures, and most importantly, our stories, because swapping stories is what glues a community.

Oh woman. I'm going to miss those stories.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Our First Bed

For the past few months, I've been collecting cobblestones from whomever had them to give away. The lion's share I gathered from a couple down the hill who had stowed away their own pile for a garden project they decided never to complete. I received a few more from another neighborhood connection, and additional car load from a generous person in an adjoining neighborhood. These cobblestones used to be San Francisco streets. Most of the stones are basalt, but there are few very regularly shaped granite stones, too, which may have served as curbs rather than pavers. When the houses in my neighborhood were built in the '30s through the 50's, the old stone streets were torn up. This neighborhood used to be full of family nurseries that sourced the flowers for the downtown markets. But in the decades of infill and resulting asphalt streets, the new residents often found uses for the old stones. Almost every house on the west side of my block, including my own, all built in the early 1950s, has retaining walls built from cobblestone and mortar. These stone walls have held up soil for decades, and most, including those in my property, are still in good shape.

They're beautiful: dark gray shining near black when wet with rain, the joints and mortar home to velvety moss, and they are heavy with history. So, when I set out to built a long raised vegetable bed in my yard, a bed in which I hoped to grow the historic and open pollinated varieties that I favor, those plants that tell stories, I knew the bed needed to have the dignity of San Francisco cobblestone.

Scott told me, "I love to move soil." He was as excited about the cobblestones as I was. I married him last month.

Just after we got home from our honeymoon, Scott and I dug out a trench that cut into a gentle sloping portion of the yard. My step kids helped with the digging. We lined the trench with galvanized 3/4" hex "gopher wire." Along the bottom of the bed we laid branches and trunks of shrubbery we've cleared out in the yard, creating a sunken hugelkultur bed. I tossed fertilizer over the wood to kickstart its decay. In the next couple weeks, we puzzled together the stones to create walls that were as even and attractive as possible (no mortar, in case we want to move or change things), returned the original soil to the bed, and added 30 cubic feet of purchased organic garden soil, enriching with worm bin contents and compost. Scott understood how to make the walls beautiful; I knew how to layer the soil.

To protect the bed from marauding birds and Indiana-the-dog's curiosity, we installed hoops we made out of PVC. We cut 1" PVC in short lengths and sunk it into the soil along the bed's edges. Then, we bent 10' lengths of 3/4" PVC into hoops, inserting each end into a 1" anchor. We snapped a single length of 3/4" PVC along the center-top of the hoops, providing some more strength. Over all of it, we draped the lightest of ag-fabrics, just enough to provide protection, and using PVC snaps, attached it to the top of the frame. Along the sides and bottom of the frames, we are using small spring clamps so we can easily open the sides and access the interior. We sheet mulched around the edges of the bed. We built something beautiful.

We are still on the lookout for more cobblestones. We've been edging the main garden pathway with them, and what we've completed looks right. It looks like it belongs here. We are short enough stones to finish the project right now, but we have plenty of time.

The stones are here. We just need to keep digging.

More about San Francisco cobblestones:

Cobblestones Unearthed on Vermont Street

A History of Paving Blocks Along San Francisco's South Beach Waterfront

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

A Knee on Ice

I'm laid up on my couch with a glass of wine and an ice pack. On Friday, one hand in Scott's and the other hand hanging on to my stepson-to-be, grinning while trying to pull both along the just zamboni-ed ice, I fell and landed, full-force, on my left knee. At first I laughed, but as I shakily skated over to the side of the rink and caught my breath, shock hit my gut. I almost puked from pain. I tried to skate around the rink a couple times with little relief; I had to go sit in the bathroom and wait for the adrenaline-y nausea to pass.

The skating was part of a day off from cooking four of the five days of my break. For the first part of break, I worked at a tick-tock rhythm to make sure a Thanksgiving feast for the five of us was on the table Thursday; then, on Saturday and Sunday it was waves of tasks to fill the chest freezer with leftovers: a rich carcass stock, a couple turkey lasagnes of fresh spinach pasta sheets, freezer bags of meat packed in its own drippings, turkey pot pie. And then, back to work.

I mourned leaving my house to limp back to work on Monday. I sincerely love my job. But, I also love my home and feel like I get to spend so few days enjoying what it provides me. It felt good to stretch my cooking muscles this weekend, to put together a whole spread with all the parts that hopefully complement each other. But I don't have a single winter vegetable in the ground, and I still haven't built the gopher-wire lined beds that I will need for any of the good things my hands itch to grow. I haven't placed an order for the couple bareroot trees on my list. My kitchen gets some of my attention at least; my garden gets too little of it.

This weekend, before my fall on the ice, Scott and I had a half an hour or so to fix a leak in the roof. We climbed up a borrowed ladder, helping each other make that last stretch between the top step of the ladder and the edge of the flat roof. When we finished tarring the seam, I didn't want to crawl down. The city sprawled out like a jewel box in front of us, from Twin Peaks on the left edge of the view, a tiny corner of The Golden Gate peaking over hills, Bernal up close, The Mission tucked behind it, then The Castro and The Haight, the Park. In the distance straight ahead, the Marin Headlands. And scanning to the right, all of downtown, the Bay Bridge and Treasure Island. Oakland. Seeing it all nearly gives me goosebumps each time, and it's the view I get from not just the roof, but the backyard, too. It's my gardening view.

Tonight, as I sit here with ice on my still very sore knee, a book and a computer, I'm skipping out on something I really enjoy—my weekly Tuesday night date with a pottery wheel—but I need the book and the computer more tonight. I need to not leave my house. I need to be close to my own kitchen, to have my dog at my side, to look out my window to the distinct view that my house offers of the city. I need to sink into my home and place that order for fruit trees. I can't dig a garden bed because my body still hurts too much. But I can plan. I can dream. I can be inspired by the words of others who are writing up feelings I understand so well.

This is what happens to a cook when she spends so many hours gaping at the contents of the pan before her, waiting for doneness. It's not unlike the way a gardener watches her tomatoes ripen. Both end points mark the moment at which a vegetable contains as much liquid sweetness as it ever will. When perfectly cooked, a wedge of white turnip will drip juices as if its light purple veins run with fat, and its tissue will soften and taste like butter. On the raw side of things, an utterly ripe tomato at the end of August swings low on its vine, opalescent and suntanned gold at the shoulders, its voluptuous flesh nearly falling out of its skin. 
To me, becoming a cook meant being able to spot that point and know the time came to stop—to pull it, slice it, and put it on a plate. Raw or cooked, that is the vegetable finale. And to me . . . it looks pretty much like happiness itself.
Amy Thielen, Give a Girl a Knife 

Friday, October 13, 2017

Me and Eustace

I’ve struggled with my faith for decades. There have been times in which I have had a hard time believing there was a God.

Here’s a little background. For fifteen years, I was a member of a church in southern California. I loved a lot of the messaging, but the longer I was a member, and the harder I worked as I became more and more involved with the leadership of the church, the more frustrated I became. This lovely old building housed a community that had become consumed with only the well-being of the lovely old building. All of the church’s efforts were either to preserve the building or bring more people to the building. When I left that church, I left believing that a church was not a place for me to find God.

A couple years after leaving the church, my life changed dramatically. My husband received a job offer that he couldn’t turn down, and we decided together to move north. We sold the place I had bought when I was 25 and the house we had bought together when I was 33. I left the school where I had worked for over 17 years and entered into an uncertain job market. We left our strong group of friends, a collection of supportive neighbors, and all sense of stability.

We left what was comfortable and we stepped into the new. In this new life, my husband soon decided he wanted to become someone different, someone who didn’t have room in his life for me. He left. In this new life, I lived in a rental that never felt like home and didn’t have a garden—to those of you who know me, this is like missing a limb. In this new life, I didn’t find myself in the classroom, but in a library, and in an interim and therefore, to me, very tenuous position. Everything was new. Everything was hard. Nothing was comfortable.

But, surprisingly, I did have peace. In the whirl of changes that flew around me, it became easy for me to see where I needed to go. Here are three things I knew:

1) I liked myself. I liked my creativity, my sense of humor, my need to have my hands in food, dirt, or clay, my hunger to write, and my curiosity. My ex-husband hadn’t liked those things about me. I knew I needed to surround myself with people who loved those things about me.

2) Kindness was my siren. I surrounded myself with kind people—family and friends that I had known for years, yes, but I opened my heart to people I met everywhere, in classes, at work, at parties, at the pottery studio, everywhere. If I could smell kindness on you, I’d make you my friend.

3) I needed to dig in and make a home here. After my ex-husband left, my Southern California friends asked me to return. “Come back,” they said. “You’ll get a job in no time. Return to what’s comfortable.” But, I couldn’t go backwards. Right away I knew deep in my bones that San Francisco is where I needed to be and where I needed to buy a home. So, in the divorce, I asked for a percentage of what I would receive through years of spousal support in exchange for receiving it in one lump sum. I took my savings, that chunk from the divorce, and a gift from my parents, and I put a down payment on house on a sunny hill with a real back yard in which to garden and views of downtown and the Bay Bridge. I worked to make connections with my neighbors right away and have fallen in love with my corner of San Francisco.

Each of those three elements was incredibly clear to me. I liked myself. I needed kindness. I would make a home. I had no doubt.

Why was I so clear? Why did I not run back to Southern California? Why did I not crawl into the misery of self-hate and despair?


Is that feeling of being okay when you have little on which to lean grace? Is grace not pride but confidence? Is grace God?

In the two years since my ex-husband left, I’ve come to know God in a different way than I did beforehand. I’ve received that grace, and I feel like I’ve become even more of who I am. I’m more me.

I was thinking about how to describe what my move and divorce has done for me, and I was reminded of a scene from one of C.S. Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia. In this book, The Voyage of The Dawn Treader, the character Eustace has crawled into a dragon’s cave, found a gold bracelet, put it on, and woken up having become a dragon. Among other problems—the largest of which is the difficulty and loneliness of being a dragon—the gold bracelet is cutting into Eustace’s dragon-sized arm. One night, he goes to the lake and starts scratching at the skin around the bracelet, trying to shed some of it for relief. Aslan, a lion and the novel’s Christ figure, arrives and terrifies Eustace. Aslan tells Eustace to let him help.

Here’s how Eustace tells the story from there:

“I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.

“The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know—if you’ve ever picked the scab of a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away  . . .

“Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off . . . . And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me—I didn’t like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I’d no skin on—and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I’d turned into a boy again.” (109)

That’s such a great description. I feel what Eustace is saying. I’m swimming in the delicious nowadays.

Life isn’t easy for me now, but it is good and it is rich with peace.

This December, I’ll be marrying a man who loves the same parts of me that I love, who is the kindest man I’ve ever met, and who is making my home even more of a home with the addition of two incredible beings who will be my stepchildren.

I haven’t yet found God in a church. God is not a building, even though I find God in my home. God is not other people, though I find God in others. I am not God, though I find God in me.

God is grace. God is peace. God didn’t tear my life up—my ex-husband and I did that to ourselves. But, God tore me open so I could re-find myself.